“Oh how we hate Ohio State”

On this day before the ultimate rivalry in sports, many thanks to Bob Wojnowski of the Detroit News for for his sociological analysis of Buckeye fans. All true sons of Michigan could read such passages as the following with a mixture of pride, delight, and amusement:

I’m here to study the Buckeyes, not denigrate them. Remember, this whole Michigan-Ohio battle started way back in 1835 when the states actually fought over Toledo, true story. Ohio won but took Toledo anyhow. In exchange, Michigan got the Upper Peninsula, Charles Woodson, Desmond Howard and four free passes to Cedar Point.

It’s really not surprising that so many Ohio youngsters, such as Heisman Trophy winners Woodson and Howard, dream of coming to Michigan. This year’s Michigan roster lists 11 kids who escaped Ohio, while Ohio State has one from Michigan. We won’t mention his name in case his family doesn’t know.

To be fair, when the Buckeyes got sick of losing, they did turn to quarterback Craig Krenzel, from Michigan’s Utica Ford High, to lead them to that completely untainted national title. See, we can help each other, once we understand each other. That’s why I’m here, to educate.

For instance, in case Ohioans didn’t know, these are the three biggest industries in Michigan:

• Making automobiles.

• Pretending to fix the roads.

• Repossessing automobiles.

In case Michiganians didn’t know, these are the three biggest industries in Ohio:

• Giving out speeding tickets to Michigan drivers.

• Recycling tobacco tins.

• Fixin’ their trucks.

There. Doesn’t it feel like we’re getting along better already?

I hope that all my friends who hail from “south of the [Toledo-Monroe] border” – including a certain nationally-syndicated talk show host of certain misguided athletic allegiances – can see it that way, too, and really begin to prepare themselves for a heavy dose of Big Blue and “Hail to the Victors” tomorrow.