Message to Chad the Elder: Sit Down

I’m sure the boys at Fraters are aware of the old Irish saying, but under the current circumstances it bears repeating: “When everyone says you’re drunk, you’d better sit down.” When the best defense of your state’s honor is giving the correct spelling of lutefisk, it’s time to take a seat, Peeps.

Perhaps reviewing some of the great moments in Minnesota history will remind the inebriates of the terrible insecurity driving them to waste their time trying to disparage the beautiful state of Colorado.

Here are the highlights – a chronology of events that nearly every Minnesota school boy can recite with pride:

1805 – Zebulon Pike explores Minnesota, yawns, gets ripped off purchasing 155,000 acres of land for 60 gallons of whiskey (still currency in Fraters land) and a few cents an acre. Pike later finds much more interesting, worthwhile, and beautiful topography in Colorado.

1873 – A three-day January blizzard kills 70 Minnesota residents, creating a severe population shortage in the unpopular young state.

1888 – Another January blizzard kills more than 100 Minnesotans. Construction of fireplaces in homes makes a sharp rise.

1900 – The tiny town of Virginia, Minnesota, burns down for the second time in less than a decade. Town councilmen decide to relocate in North Dakota.

1936 – Temperatures remain below zero for 36 days straight. Not much later, the mercury rises to 114 degrees, catching many Minnesotans still wearing their fur coats, flannel shirts, and long johns by a nasty surprise.

1973 – Minnesota native Supreme Court Justice Harry Blackmun authors the now infamous Roe v Wade majority opinion.

1984 – Minnesota sticks its neck out in the national election, as the only state ever to give presidential candidate Walter Mondale its electoral votes.

2002 – In an unfortunate development, frustrated and intoxicated Minnesota residents launch the Fraters Libertas blog. The Internet is permanently scarred.

I mean Minnesota? Seriously… the swampy wilderness best known for its iconoclastic adherence to naming a certain children’s game “Duck, duck, grey duck”? The state that gave birth to John Madden, Winona Ryder, Garrison Keillor, and raised Al Franken? Please, sit down. You’re embarrassing yourselves.