Pizza Guy for Governor

Last Friday night my wife & I saw a gubernatorial candidate delivering pizza to our neighbors across the street. I heard you snickering over there … what, you don’t believe me?

Who was it, you might ask? Not this guy (I doubt he’s STILL paying off law school debt), and definitely not this guy (I’m sure his staff has realized personal pizza deliveries do not belong in a successful campaign).

Maybe you’re scratching your head. No, it’s not “the only pro-choice candidate for Governor of Colorado” (presumably no relation to the Fonz, though Libertarians might get more votes with him on the ticket). Keep guessing …

If you thought it was this guy, you might have imagined a very colorful waltz from the car to the front door, with steaming pepperoni pies delicately balanced on the independent candidate’s limber hands. But you’d still be wrong…

Nor is it this guy, who is probably busy on a countywide tour making sure his friends and neighbors can properly spell his last name. (Alas, the other two write-in gubernatorial candidates – Gary Cooper, not of High Noon fame, and Darla “Don’t Herald My Campaign” Herold – are nowhere to be found on the Web. Anyone care to wager how many votes will be garnered between the three of them?)

So who did we see last Friday carrying pizza pies to the neighbors across the way?

The answer to the question is none other than Clyde Harkins, the duly nominated candidate of the American Constitution Party (also known as the Far Left’s caricature of the Republican Party). How did my wife & I know the delivery guy was one and the same? Our first clue was the homemade “Clyde Harkins for Governor” sign plastered on the back of the aging sedan. Our second was a very real glimpse of his face, which matches the mug on his Web site.

Reading Harkins’ well-meaning but misguided, less-than-serious campaign flyer, I am left to imagine what sort of dialogue might transpire at the door:

Pizza Guy: The total for your pizza and breadsticks will be $14.83. What do you think about foreigners who own our roads?

Resident: Wha-?

Pizza Guy: There’s nothing more all-American than a good old pepperoni pie. [Clears his throat, hands over a campaign brochure] Anyway, a vote for me is a vote to outlaw abortion and to bring all our troops back home from the illegal war in Iraq, because the governor of Colorado can do that, you know.

Resident: [Chuckling] Are you serious? You’re running for-?

Pizza Guy: Governor. Of Colorado. None of those other turncoats will rid us of the international Tower of Babel, find out who really was behind 9/11, keep all foreigners out of God’s chosen nation, eliminate bio-metric marking, and repeal Colorado’s 1933 declaration of emergency! Can I count on your support?

Resident: [Hurriedly handing over a $20 bill] Keep the change! [Slams door]

Pizza Guy: A prophet is not accepted in his own country. (Sigh) I can’t imagine being governor gets this many complaints… But the tips sure are better.

Now, back to the real race for governor. Regardless of what you thought of this post, you have to admit there are more registered gubernatorial candidates out there than you cared to know existed. You can’t say this Web site ignores the minor parties.