After seeing deeply flawed and failed Republican gubernatorial candidate Dan Maes “get biblical” on Facebook (H/T Complete Colorado), I had a late-night moment of “inspired” political satire that ended up as this. Please enjoy:
…One of the El Pasoans spake unto the Teapartyites, saying, We have found the Maes-siah, which being interpreted is Daniel, the son of Serpico.
And the hearts of the Teapartyites didst receive him openly, and they bowed down and worshiped, proclaiming, “Hosanna to the Maes-siah, for he shall save his people from their sins, and from the career politicians, and from the bicycles, and from the the lambs and sloths and carp and anchovies and orangutans and breakfast cereals.”
Great was their adoration, for they had rejected Scott the copier of scrolls, whom they had last seen tossing Rollie the Elder beneath his chariot…
…But later there arose a division among the Teapartyites, and many doubted the authority of Daniel the Maes-siah. And Daniel didst rebuke the people, saying, “O ye of little faith. Canst thou not see the folly of thy ways? If thou wilt believe in me, I shall lead thee along the primrose path to the promised land full of milk and honey.”
Brian of the Teapartyites, showing neither shame nor humility, replied, “Thou hast misled us. Thou shalt taste bitter defeat. Behold the words of the prophets.” And he didst read from the scrolls of the Rasmussenites, the Magellanites, the Foxites, the Ipsosites, the sages of the Triple P and the hoary heads of SurveyUSA.
Daniel rebuked him, saying, “Get thee behind me, Satan. Thou knowest that the only true prophet is the voice that speaketh on the Day of Election.”
But many of the Teapartyites scoffed and mocked him, and wiped the dust off their feet, and departed from the presence of Daniel the Maes-siah. “We have cast our lot with Thomas the Tancredoite,” saith one of the multitude, a daughter of the Republican tribe.
Daniel was filled with bitter rage. “Woe unto thee, hypocrites, who heedest not the will of the Day of Primary, who doth abandon me the rightful heir, in this thy hour of greatest need. Behold, thou art my people, and I am thy candidate!”
Yet there arose such laughter and clamor that the multitudes ceased to hear the words of Daniel the Maes-siah. So he retreated to the wilderness with the youth Jordana and his tiny band of stiffnecked disciples.
And with great longing and expectation the Teapartyites and Republican tribesmen sought after Thomas the Tancredoite and looked to the Day of Election.
Four days, and it’s all over. Tuesday, come quickly!