When people learn that I grew up in Michigan, occasionally I hear the question of whether my sports fan loyalties still lie in the land of my childhood. “That depends,” I say. “Detroit Tigers? Detroit Red Wings? Yes.”
“What about the Lions?”
“Uh, check please….” I’m pretty sure I’ve been cured of that disease. How do I know? Well, reading through DJ Gallo’s ESPN Page 2 column this evening, I found myself laughing out loud at this segment:
I want to go back to Thursday and address this debate over whether the tradition of the woeful Lions playing on Thanksgiving Day should end. I can see both sides of the debate: tradition versus marketability. And I also see room for compromise. I say keep the Lions playing on a holiday every year, just not Thanksgiving.
Here are some better in-season holiday options:
National Grandparents Day (Sept. 13): Gather ’round Nanny and Pop-Pop and see if they can remember a time when the Lions were good.
Talk Like a Pirate Day (Sept. 19): “Arrrrrr, this is the worst bunch of scalawags I ever did see.”
National Depression Screening Day (Oct. 8): Approximately one-quarter of the U.S. population suffers some level of depression. And approximately all Detroit Lions fans suffer some level of depression after one quarter.
Be Bald and Be Free Day (Oct. 14): Interestingly, these are the exact words that will be said to Rod Marinelli when he is fired.
Plan Your Epitaph Day (Nov. 2): “Here lies the Detroit Lions. Born: 1929; Died: 1958-.”
ClichÃ© Day (Nov. 3): “We are not executing well. We have to give 110 percent out there. We’ll just go back to the drawing board and try to limit our mistakes.”
Celebrate Your Unique Talent Day (Nov. 24): “My unique talent is being able to earn millions of dollars for stinking at football!” “My unique talent is dropping passes with both hands!” “I can punt backward!”
Cat Herders’ Day (Dec. 15): Because herding cats is about the only thing as impossible as coaching the Lions to victory.
Underdog Day (Dec. 19): Too obvious?
There were a few holidays I didn’t even know existed, but some of them seem downright tailor-made for the Honolulu Blue and Silver. Eight of the last 35 seasons on the winning side (5 during the 10-year Barry Sanders era)? One playoff victory since their last NFL Championship in 1957? On the fast track to the unwanted distinction of 0-16 futility?